You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did I show you my penis last night?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
