I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
