my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
