Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Congratulations! We have a period
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