yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
