okay pat passed out under dana's car
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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