why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
