She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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