Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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