The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
