just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
