I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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