I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
