My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
