remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
