O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
