I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
