I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just googled if crying burns calories
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
