Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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