haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
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