A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
