I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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