I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
