Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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