My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
