Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
