I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
