I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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