ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
