My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Randomize
