I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
