Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
