I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
