Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
