At least make sure they are 18
Why
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
