I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize