I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
