I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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