I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
