Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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