It's Friday. Sex?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
