I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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