the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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