you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize