don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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