3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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