Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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