So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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