i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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