Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Holy sore nipples Batman
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Randomize