We're facebook friends in real life
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
