I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
