I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
