I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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