Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
