That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
