I wish my penis had an off switch
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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