Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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