So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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