Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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