I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
