mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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