the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize