i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize